New Weight Loss Study

Since the dawn of mankind, we have worried about our waistlines. Also, since the dawn of man there have been diets. Some of these diets rose out of our experiences in nature, such as pissing off a saber tooth tiger and then having to run for days on end without stopping for food, water, or shelter.

Of course most of the time these diets resulted in death, so we were forced to find alternative methods of losing weight. There are way too many diets for me to list on my site but another one that I found intriguing is the tapeworm diet. Folks would swallow a "sanitized" tapeworm and then were told that they could eat as much as they wanted and to and the tapeworm would take care of their excess.

And now, us modern folks have such remedies as Phen Phen (remember that with all of the heart problems and such), and other fun diet pills, concoctions, and gimmicks. Just out in the Appalachian Medical Review, a new diet that could revolutionize fat America. A group of renowned Appalachian scientists have done studies on three groups of obese mountain folk. One group followed the diet plan, one group followed a placebo plan, and one group went on eating hog jowls and what ever the hell else mountain folk eat. The group following the diet plan set forth by the scientists lost an average of 5 lbs per week, while the placebo group lost an average of 1 lb per month and the last group gained 10 lbs per week. So the moment I know you have been anticipating; the diet plan set forth by the Appalachian scientists:
The scientists have been studying the effects of a complex combination of reduction of daily caloric intake with aerobic and anaerobic exercise. The group that lost 5 lbs per week ate a low fat, high protein breakfast, salad and grain for lunch, and lean roast poultry or fish with lots of vegetables for dinner. Each morning and evening the group would take a short 2 mile walk. Every week they would step up the pace and add a half mile. "This combination of diet and excercise seems to be the key to losing weight and keeping if off," says scientist Cleatus E. Stonewall.

Well I for one am amazed. Who would have thought that losing weight was so easy. Thank you to the many scientists and mountain folk that participated and worked so hard on this study.

Snoring and flatulance

I'm sure that many a wife out there would be interested in this study. While on vacation in Perth, Western Australia, I ran into an old colleague of mine from med school, Dr. Dorien Mendleson. Dr. Mendleson told me about a study that they were conducting at the Perth College of Science and Medicine on the possible corrolation between snoring and flatulance. Dr. Mendleson explained to me that they have found evidence that suggests that the breathing patterns in people that snor allow more air to travel into the diggestive system. When food particles mix with that air they form the gas most humans expell from their bodies everyday (even though many of my ex-girlfriends claim "gross, of corse I don't fart!). Dr. Mendleson concludes that since most heavy snorers are men, in turn the most flatulant people are males. Case solved ladies!

Witches with great complexions

There is a new drug on the market called tylenopoegal. This drug was originally used during the Middle Ages to expel demons from witches. Recently, while trying to expel a demon from an adolescent female, researchers noticed a peculiar side effect. After the demon was expelled the priest noticed that the young woman no longer had acne. "Sweet!", exclaimed Dr. Rathburn, an EMU professor of Medicine. The priest brought the young woman to see him and they were astonished that the girl no longer had acne, but she was still a bitch, or... witch? I'm not sure, my cell phone started loosing it's signal when Dr. Rathburn called me. Ok, here's some before and after photos of the w(b)itch.

BEFORE TYLENOPOEGAL

AFTER TYLENOPOEGAL

Nature's a bitch

If you haven't heard by now, scientists have discovered a cure for cancer. This was just released on the ADF's (Adminastracion Drogas Federales de Mexico) website earlier today. There is a certain neurotoxin that had been discovered almost a century ago that has been found to kill cancer cells in the human body. This neurotoxin is called ditrycyclogene. Researcher's have been able to inject the neurotoxin into the cancer patient's blood stream and almost instantly kill all cancer cells in the patients body. Though Mexican doctors and researchers swear by this "curo milagro," American scientists are somewhat skepticle. Especially since not only does ditrycyclogene kill cancer cells, it also kills it's host... yes, the patient. Oh well Mexico, back to the laboratory. Sorry Brittany.

Picture of Cancer Patient Brittany

Amazing Nature

This is amazing. I have just learned of a true living faun. Fauns are half goat half human beings. These creatures come into existance when humans and goats copulate. Apparently in this case the mother of this faun, she was camping and squating in the bushes to urinate and came into contact with some goat "seed." The woman was shocked to find out that she was pregnant because her husband was infertle. For months the husband accused the wife of infedelity. When the first ultrasound came back the couple was shocked to see goat legs where little cute baby legs should be. They soon realized that it must have been that camping trip they took that caused this to happen. The husband noticed while pitching their tent that there were a lot of male goats around. The couple decided to raise their son as human, though he had many problems in school. You know, being called Goat-boy, and Goaty, and Half boy half goat thing, and well you get the picture. The male goat has partial custody and Jimmy (the faun) stays in the woods with his father every other weekend and every Wednesday.

Jimmy Santaro age 14

Medical Science

Medical Science has sure come a long way. When I was a child in the Appalachian Mountains we had never heard of X-Ray machines, let alone an MRI. I moved to Boston in 1964 to pursue my dream of becoming a Gynecologist. But when I began my studies, I soon realized that I had a passion not only for the female reproductive system but all sciences. Don't get me wrong, I still study Gynecology in my spare time, but I spend most of my study time in all areas of science. I had to put my collegiate aspirations on hold of a gynecological experiment gone wrong. I apologized fervently to Professor Lina but she still had me expelled from the University. So here I am, I decided to start this blog to update people on breaking scientific information. Please stay tuned on my studies.